Reliving The Past

For as long as I can remember I have had a strained relationship with my mother.  A lot of our issues stem from the relationships we had with my father.  My father was present in the home and as a child, it appeared as though we had the perfect family.  I learned much later in life that we did not.

As a daddy’s girl, I thought the world revolved around my daddy.  I thought he was perfect.  Unfortunately, I thought the opposite of my mom.  She was always angry.  She seemed to get upset over the smallest things and to be honest, I was afraid of her.  I knew she wouldn’t hurt me, but I hated to hear her fuss.  More importantly, I never knew why she was so unhappy which made it more difficult to endure.

The truth is, my father was unfaithful to my mom for the majority of their marriage.  What a blow that was to my heart.  Now, it all made sense.  She was hurt; she was mad and she had every right to be.

Before I learned of my mother’s plight, I never really liked her.  I loved her because she was my mom, but we didn’t get along.  As a child, I watched her ridicule, demean, and humiliate my dad.  I felt sorry for him.  As a result, anything my dad asked me to do, I did.  One time (about 19/20 years old) I forged my mom’s name on a document because my dad asked me to, with the notion that it would keep my mom from being angry.  I regret that and have since apologized for that on numerous occasions.

Unbeknownst to me, my dad was a trickster.  He manipulated me and allowed me to believe my mom didn’t like me.  When he and my mom separated, he even allowed her to think that I approved of his adulterous lifestyle.  I wanted to “kill him” when I found that out because it could not have been farther from the truth.

This all brings me to today.  My mom and I have talked and I have apologized for my role in our dysfunctional relationship.  She said she forgives but will occasionally bring up the past to justify her negative actions and negative beliefs of me and my family. 

She always thinks the worst of us. The things I have been accused of are so ridiculous if I shared them, you would think I was lying because it makes absolutely no sense.

My daughter suffers the most because she cannot have the relationship (with my mom) I desire for her because of my mom’s insecurities and continued mistrust of me.  There is nothing more I can do to repair this broken relationship.  I feel as though I am always seeking her out to make things right, but she will never initiate any communication with me.     

To break this cycle, I will continue to keep the lines of communication open between me and my daughter.  When my husband and I have intense arguments, my daughter doesn’t need to witness that and we make sure we do not do that in front of her. My daughter’s trust and security are important to me, to us. I never want her to question my love for her.  I want her to be happy.

I want peace and in order for me to achieve that peace, I will make decisions that will ensure my daughter’s innocence and joy as they relate to her time with my mom.  Even though I couldn’t escape that environment as a child, I will not force my daughter to suffer that type of emotional turmoil.

I love my mom and I truly hate the hurt she endured because of my dad. I cannot change the past, I am not him; however, I will continue to pray for her peace.

I would love to know your thoughts so, please share them below. 

Remember in order to receive love,

Bee Love 

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