I had just broken up with the love of my life (so I then thought), and my girlfriend wanted to “hook me up.” She kept telling me all about the handsome man she worked with who was so cool to be around. I don’t get hooked up. “Bee, you’re going to like him,” she said. I always trust my gut, but this time I gave in and decided to meet him.
Before we met, I had no expectations. I told myself I would do things differently. I would try not to focus on the physical appearance (in case he wasn’t my type). My goal of the evening was to keep an open mind and observe with my ears and not with my eyes. I would not let myself get my hopes up, after all, this couldn’t possibly lead to anything, could it?
My girl friend and I attended a football where we’d be briefly introduced because he was on the coaching staff . She arranged for us to go out for dinner and drinks with a group of her colleagues afterwards. Truthfully, when I saw him, there were no sparks and he would not have been a man I would have chosen for myself. He was not “my type,” but I ignored my physical requirements to possibly get to know his inner beauty.
At dinner, I found him to be nice and we had a decent time. Even though my gut was telling me no, when he asked me out for a date, I accepted. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. We were enjoying each other’s company, but something was not right and I could not place my finger on it.
You’re not my kind of guy
As the months progressed, his phone would constantly ring when I would visit his home. His ex would be sitting in her car just watching his home to see how long I would be there. This was weird and a bit scary, because I never understood why.
Sometimes I would take my work to his home to complete. Whenever I would get on the computer, there would be never-ending pop-ups of pornography. He was into porn, but that was no interest of mine. I felt as though I should be enough. Why desire someone else when you have me? Right?
I did not trust my gut. I simply ignored my legitimate concerns and continued to see him. So, on Christmas Eve when he asked me to marry him, I said YES. The diamond had me mesmerized. How could I say no, besides we already purchased a beautiful home together. To this day I cannot tell you what possessed me to do that.
Enough is enough
We had fun when we were together in public places, but when we’d be alone, it was always quiet and there was always a weird vibe. He was always on his computer and still receiving annoying calls from his ex. By this time my ex, (yes, one I thought was the love of my life) reached out to me and we picked up where we left off. I felt so happy doing the wrong thing.
I am one who strongly believes that you reap what you sow. At that time in my life, I was sowing seeds of dishonesty, disloyalty and disdain. I no longer liked the person I was engaged to. I did not love him and I knew what we were getting into was wrong. More importantly, I am a daddy’s girl (through and through) and I always felt safe when I was with my father, but I NEVER felt safe when I was with this man. Not once!
It’s hard to say it’s over
The porn, the lack of communication, my ex, his ex, my lack of physical attraction to him were all signs that this relationship was doomed. I always listened to my gut, but this time I was having a hard time doing so.
I felt ashamed that I said yes to someone who was so wrong for me. I felt embarrassed that I purchased a home with a man that I did not love, let alone like. I was disappointed that I let myself get this deep involved with this man when I knew this relationship was wrong.
When people kept asking when we were going to get married and why hadn’t we set a date, I knew I had to get out and get out fast.
One evening while sitting in the great room, I just told him that we should not get married and he agreed. While the conversation ended well and there were no ill feelings, I suddenly felt scared. I realized in that moment that I didn’t know him at all. Sure I knew where he worked, I knew his family, but I did not know his core, his beliefs, his desires (other than porn) and I was living with this person. What was I thinking? I don’t think I closed my eyes at all that night. I just wanted out, but because I hadn’t told anyone of what I had done, I had no where to go.
That night while lying (wide) awake in bed, I remembered that my sister and I shared a place before I purchased a home with him, certainly she wouldn’t mind if I come back. I also remembered that my daddy loves me to the moon and back and certainly he would help me move my things. My mind was now clear and I understood everything so perfectly.
I know this is crazy, but I stayed in that relationship to prove to my girlfriend that I did not have a “type”; that I could love a man who didn’t meet my physical requirements. I stayed in the relationship because I wanted to prove to myself that I was over my ex. I stayed in that relationship because we had done so much together and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to walk away. The truth is, I needed that relationship. No, I didn’t need all of the drama, but I did need to see that I was strong enough to say I’m done and mean it and… I am!
I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am worthy of a real love. I wanted someone who would walk in a room and I light up because I love them that much. I wanted to be in a relationship where I could be myself (the corny me) and that would be okay. I wanted a man to love the real me, not the quiet, meek person that I show to the world.
I love to laugh. I love to sing (and I don’t have a singer’s voice). I love to dance. I simply love and I love hard. I thank God that I had the courage to walk away. I learned the difficult lesson that I must always trust my gut because it won’t steer me wrong. I am now honest with myself and with those I am in relationships with no matter how painful the truth may be. I expect the same from them. I now know that in order to receive love, I must first,